Sunshine Skyways

The image of Christmas as a time when the whole family gathers together and everyone feels love for one and for all is not a reality for me and, no doubt, for many. It never was about love and loving to be with each other, although I wished it would have been. Instead, Christmas when I was a kid was more like my family pretending to be that way, although there always loomed the possibility that my Borderline mother would judge and then erupt into a rage ... although the eruptions were in the privacy of our home. As much as she didn't recognize boundaries, she erupted only in our home, when no guests were there. Perhaps, my mother's fears and other suffering were heightened during Christmas and during the shortest days of the year. Decades later, I still have feelings of anxiety and depression/sadness ... patterns of thought and feeling produced a long time ago, but still present. Maybe I'm in the process of grieving what was.

Labels: Borderline Xmas Memories